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| Thread: Real Life problems.... |  This thread is pages long: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 · NEXT» |
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Smithey
Promising
Supreme Hero
Yes im red, choke on it !!!
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posted April 05, 2011 11:59 PM |
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Edited by Smithey at 00:46, 06 Apr 2011.
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Real Life problems....
@ Corribus - I've read "Everyday Moral Dilemmas" so let me go ahead and say - nice idea, huge thumbs up  if this thread is somehow against the rules or is "stepping on your toes", just say the word and I will delete it
@ Mods - If this type of a thread exists, please delete it or submerge it, no harm intended 
I'm actually having a real life dillema myself, didn't know if I can post it in his thread since it's as he claimed an "everyday" dillemas so I've decided to create a new thread where people will....
Rulebook :
Thread will contain Real life problems
1. Dillemas you're facing, moral or any other type of dillemas
2. Problems you're facing of any kind and you wouldnt mind getting an additional set of ideas/views/tips regarding them
3. Decisions you're facing and wouldn't mind hearing other people's input
4. Situations (problematic ones) you have faced, meaning if you feel like someone can learn from your experience, if you feel it's important enough, share it.
5. Numbers 1-3 but not necessarily your problems or of those you know, what I mean is that even If you simply think of something that can occur as a problem and can eventually help someone else in the future (If they are too shy to ask) please share because if eventually this thread does help at least one person in the smallest way then it's a WIN for all of us 
*Important* -
- Try not to overflow the thread so everyone's problems can receive some attention
- Play nice and don't mock others
- Don't post small issues like having a burger or a pizza but only serious issues that bug you or can help others
- MAKE SURE TO "MARK" THE "PROBLEM" IN A CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER, IT WILL MAKE ANSWERING EASIER
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#1. Cheating Dillema
Have a friend (girl), We've been really close friends for the past 6+ yrs, we hang out with the same people as well, my friends are her friends and the other way around. My girlfriend is her childhood friend, her boyfriend and I became friends as well.
2 months ago, she started cheating on her boyfriend (together 4 years), being her close friend I'm the only one she shared it with, I've told her " I love you, I want you to be happy, I don't think it's cool what you're doing"
For the past two months, I've been stuck with this secret, I can't talk about it with my friends because there is no way in hell I would ever betray my friends trust and even If I were to do so everybody knows everybody involved. I feel awkward when I'm around her boyfriend who is a sort of a friend.
And damn it feels good to just put it out there, so go ahead and share insights if you have any
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JollyJoker
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
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posted April 06, 2011 12:11 AM |
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Fault of your girlfriend to tell ya, because it was obvious that it would put you in a bad situation.
My first wife actually was in the same situation with her sister and brother-in-law. I was pissed like hell because of her sister telling her, making a big show with secret and whatnot, putting her a millstone round the neck.
For me, your (girl) friend may be your friend, but BY TELLING YOU she took advantage of you, sharing HER problem with you, while making sure YOU can't share your problem with anyone you know personally.
In my book this qualifies for a "all bets are off". I don't think you owe your girlfriend anything at this point, and if you cannot handle the situation - she told you, so she is to blame for everything that comes from that. She could have kept quiet or go to a priest if she wanted to confess and be excused.
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Fauch
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
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posted April 06, 2011 12:20 AM |
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of course I suppose her boyfriend wouldn't be pleased to learn it?
(I mean, it seems obvious, but there may still be a few people that aren't jealous at all  )
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OhforfSake
Promising
Legendary Hero
Initiate
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posted April 06, 2011 12:28 AM |
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My guess is that your friend feel awful and she told you as an act of desperation.
I have earlier found myself in desperate situations where all I wanted where some friend to pull me out, but in stead I found me pulling friends into the same situation.
So I'm quite certain she's not doing it on purpose.
I don't know this girl, so my advice may be horrible, but if she really do appreciate the time she's had with her current boyfriend whom she's cheating on, should she not at least have the decency to call it off?
I am quite convinced it's not that simple and it can be quite hard. Heck maybe they're from a culture where this kind if the norm?
In any case. You, smithey, are the one who knows these people the best. What would you say would be the best choice of hers?
In any case. I think the best you can do is to advice her, not telling on her, etc.
Yes, if people finds out (and they most likely will if she's revealed, because that's another desperate situation, doesn't mean she's a bad person), then most of the negativity will be targeted on you!
Maybe you should tell this friend of yours that you're going to share it with your own girlfriend, because you, yourself, need some moral support and then if it comes out, you'll likely have your girlfriend for support and she'll have you.
If you don't tell her, again not knowing any of you personally, it might be seen from her side as you're not trusting her.
You know... this thread really calls for every girl on HC's opinion! I'll HCM them right away!
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Living time backwards
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Smithey
Promising
Supreme Hero
Yes im red, choke on it !!!
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posted April 06, 2011 12:30 AM |
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Edited by Smithey at 00:39, 06 Apr 2011.
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@ JJ
It's a two way street with us, we were always "brutally" honest with each other, my girlfriend envies her as well as her boyfriend envies me in that aspect, there are no secrets between the two of us.
There was never a possibility of her keeping it from me as well as there is no possibility of me going by the "all bets are off", friends might hurt us or put us in bad positions when in emotional distress but that's not something I would ever use against them, possibility of hurting back is non existant, she's my friend, I love her, she's suffering way more than me, if she can't count on her friends then what is friendship for at all ?
She knows it's wrong, she knows she's hurting me as well and she has already apologized many times, she was actually my moral compass for many years, that's what makes it even worse...
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meroe
Supreme Hero
Basically Smurfette
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posted April 06, 2011 12:33 AM |
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Smithey, JJ is absolutely right here.
She has taken advantage of your friendship and has used you and your counsel very selfishly.
If you haven't told your girlfriend already, then I suggest you do.
In this situation, I would have told my friend that if she didn't confess all to her boyfriend and stop her playing around, then I will not keep her secret. I will tell him. Unfaithfullness shouldn't be rewarded by your silence.
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Meroe is definetely out, sweet
as she sounds sometimes, she'd
definetely castrate you with a
rusted razror and forcefeed
your genitals to you in a
blink of an eye - Kipshasz
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Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
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posted April 06, 2011 12:34 AM |
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Edited by Azagal at 00:39, 06 Apr 2011.
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Wow Jolly... you do realize that that's what close friends are for right? I've you have something that's a heavy burden for you you share it with someone you trust. Sure sometimes it's messed up **** like in this case and she really isn't doing him a favour with this but he's one of her closest friends obviously she can't deal with it alone so she shares it. No problem with sharing stuff like that.While any good friend doesn't have to approve he/she should be able to understand why your friend is talking to you.
Now to your question tell her to stop her relationship if she's not satisfied. Some people cheat because the sex is bad or simply because it's a welcome thrill in a relationship that has become routine. If she's just doing it to distract from some issue she has with her boyfriend she needs to solve the actual problem. She's not doing herself a favour playing both guys like that (not to mention the guys...). So tell her to talk to her boyfriend. When they talk they'll either break up but she'll feel better about herself after a while or they'll stay together.
If she's not doing it because she has a problem with her boyfriend she either has to stop or she's should just tell her boyfriend that the whole "only sex with 1 person" thing is getting a bit old for her and whether he'd be willing to experiment.
Oh and when you talk to her make sure you know whether you want her to tell her boyfriend that you knew what was going on. Eitherway she has to talk to her boyfriend as unpleasant as the talk might turnout it's a far better solution than to keep lying to him or having him find out...
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"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
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Vlaad
Admirable
Legendary Hero
ghost of the past
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posted April 06, 2011 12:43 AM |
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Edited by Vlaad at 01:07, 06 Apr 2011.
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Don't tell anything to anybody. If you do, they'll hate you no matter how it ends. lol
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Smithey
Promising
Supreme Hero
Yes im red, choke on it !!!
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posted April 06, 2011 12:43 AM |
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@Fauch
LOL, nope he wouldn't like the idea of beinh cheated on
@ Ohfor
She does feel horrible, she stopped sleeping with her boyfriend because she can't emotionally get herself to be with both of them (I don't really get that, but I guess it's a girl thing)
I can't tell my girlfriend as the two of them grew up together, if I tell my girlfriend I knwo something about her best friend she hasnt been told at all, I'm diggin a three way grave.
They have been together for 4 yrs, they are engaged, it's family, sharing the same friends, to call it off is a big deal, however they do have problems... Obviously
@ Meroe
Understand where you're coming from but that's not a possiblity
by "outing her" I hurt him, her, mine and her relationship and the set of values which make me the man I am and which I have followed for 20+ years... I can't betray all that, That's just how I am.
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OhforfSake
Promising
Legendary Hero
Initiate
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posted April 06, 2011 12:43 AM |
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Hey Azagal, you know what friends also don't do? They don't emotionally pain eachother by staying dissapointed for a week!
Otherwise, great post, really! A pleasure to read!
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Living time backwards
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JoonasTo
Responsible
Undefeatable Hero
What if Elvin was female?
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posted April 06, 2011 12:45 AM |
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Edited by JoonasTo at 00:46, 06 Apr 2011.
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I don't see a dilemma.
Besides, if she's not sleeping with her boyfriend, it won't take long now anyways.
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DON'T BE A NOOB, JOIN A.D.V.E.N.T.U.R.E.
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Smithey
Promising
Supreme Hero
Yes im red, choke on it !!!
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posted April 06, 2011 12:48 AM |
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Edited by Smithey at 00:53, 06 Apr 2011.
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@ Azagal
Been trying to do as you said, yet to succeed, nicely said
@ joonas
your contributions always crack me up
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meroe
Supreme Hero
Basically Smurfette
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posted April 06, 2011 12:51 AM |
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Quote:
@ Meroe
Understand where you're coming from but that's not a possiblity
by "outing her" I hurt him, her, mine and her relationship and the set of values which make me the man I am and which I have followed for 20+ years... I can't betray all that, That's just how I am.
Thats why I said you should tell her to come clean. This sort of behaviour is abhorrent, regardless of whether your male or female, you should never play around with people's affections. Not only that, she's drawn you into her little drama!!! That's not what real friends do either.
I think what she is wanting is some kind of pressure from you ... i.e. "sort your life out", "tell him/be honest". Either way, she is going to have to bite the bullet and choose. If she has been with him for +4 years .. this is a terrible way to treat someone you profess to love.
Also, to be honest, she hasn't really been a good friend to you at the moment either. This is a great deal of pressure and you've obviously worried about it. But do you really prefer to stay silent and watch this continue. I feel very sorry for all of you, especially the poor boyfriend. What a mess.
____________
Meroe is definetely out, sweet
as she sounds sometimes, she'd
definetely castrate you with a
rusted razror and forcefeed
your genitals to you in a
blink of an eye - Kipshasz
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selcy
Famous Hero
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posted April 06, 2011 12:56 AM |
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I have been there with an old school friend.
Her boyfriend use to work away alot so she started asking me to sleep round there as her little girl was a few months older than mine so they could play together and we could talk.
It started off fine the first couple of times then she starteed going to the shop and being out for ages. The one time her boyfriend phoned and I had to tell him she was in the bath. It turned out she was having an affair with the man who owned the shop who was also married. I stopped going round there as I didnt want any part of it. The one night he came knocking at my door and my mum answered as I was still living at home. He asked to speak to his girlfriend and before I could say anything my mum said she hadnt been there.
She didn't talk to me for ages after that. Suppose to be some sort of rule that stays between girls and they cover each others backs, I'm guessing men do it to.
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Smithey
Promising
Supreme Hero
Yes im red, choke on it !!!
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posted April 06, 2011 12:58 AM |
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Edited by Smithey at 01:02, 06 Apr 2011.
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Quote:
Quote:
@ Meroe
Understand where you're coming from but that's not a possiblity
by "outing her" I hurt him, her, mine and her relationship and the set of values which make me the man I am and which I have followed for 20+ years... I can't betray all that, That's just how I am.
Thats why I said you should tell her to come clean. This sort of behaviour is abhorrent, regardless of whether your male or female, you should never play around with people's affections. Not only that, she's drawn you into her little drama!!! That's not what real friends do either.
I think what she is wanting is some kind of pressure from you ... i.e. "sort your life out", "tell him/be honest". Either way, she is going to have to bite the bullet and choose. If she has been with him for +4 years .. this is a terrible way to treat someone you profess to love.
Also, to be honest, she hasn't really been a good friend to you at the moment either. This is a great deal of pressure and you've obviously worried about it. But do you really prefer to stay silent and watch this continue. I feel very sorry for all of you, especially the poor boyfriend. What a mess.
I myself would indeed prefer to be told, but not many people see things as me. Do you really believe it's better to confess to him and break up or to simply break up with him without confessing, I advised the second option, because the way I see it, her confessing would eventually lead only to her taking it off her chest and he would be really hurt, is it not better to spare him the pain of being known as the one who got cheated on ? We all share friends and all, this coming out makes him look like a loser and her like a... you get the idea, Do you really think confessing can lead to something positive ?
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Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
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posted April 06, 2011 01:00 AM |
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Edited by Azagal at 01:09, 06 Apr 2011.
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@Meroe
No. This is what friends are for. No matter how bad the situation is for him through her telling him you can bet it's worse for her(assuming that she's a good person that is conflicted by the situation which she obviously is). He can tell her how he feels about her telling him but that should not change how he deals with the situation.
We're all human and we all make mistakes cheating is a part of relationships. Admittingly it is wrong and incredibly hurtful but as a close friend of the person you're the one that can tell him/her that that's f***ed up and that she needs to stop.
And well smithey you know her the best you'll have to find her reason and convince her that talking to him is the best solution. I'm sure you'll make it work. Oh and there is no shame in telling her how conflicted you are now that you've told her. Just make sure that you don't tell her in accusing way that'll only make her feel bad. Make her understand that you're there for her but if you're there for her she'll appreciate how you feel about her telling you even if you're mad.
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"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
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OhforfSake
Promising
Legendary Hero
Initiate
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posted April 06, 2011 01:04 AM |
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Maybe, to show her how you really feel about this, show her this thread?
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Living time backwards
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meroe
Supreme Hero
Basically Smurfette
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posted April 06, 2011 01:04 AM |
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Quote:
I myself would indeed prefer to be told, but not many people see things as me, Do you really believe it's better to confess to him and break up or to simply break up with him without confessing, I advised the second option, because teh way I see it, her confessing would eventually lead only to take it off her chest and he would be really hurt, is it not better to spare him the pain of being known as the one who got cheated on ? We all share friends and all, this coming out makes him look like a loser and her like a... you get the idea, Do you really think confessing can lead to something postiive ?
Well now that's she in this situation, she has to choose either to confess or to break up. The truth is ... and its simple. She has chosen to be unfaithful, which means her feelings for her boyfriend have changed. You can't 'love' two people. She should make up her mind and stop being selfish.
____________
Meroe is definetely out, sweet
as she sounds sometimes, she'd
definetely castrate you with a
rusted razror and forcefeed
your genitals to you in a
blink of an eye - Kipshasz
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Azagal
Honorable
Undefeatable Hero
Smooth Snake
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posted April 06, 2011 01:08 AM |
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Quote:
Do you really think confessing can lead to something postiive ?
That depends whether she and you can live with the knowledge. Ignorance is bliss and it would most certainly be a lot easier for her boyfriend to believe that the breakup wasn't due to her cheating especially if they've been together for such a long time. It will most certainly not hurt him as much that's true.
But if you ask my honest oppinion I think he deserves the truth. If you love someone you either love them so much you don't want to hurt them by telling them or you respect the person and tell him. It will hurt but he will know the truth. I don't know I'd rather be in pain for a while but know the nature of the breakup with my gf of 4(!!!!) years than simply live my life in ignorance of the fact. The cheating most likely has a has a reason and if you don't know it maybe he'll find something. Even he doesn't he'll be able to talk to her and somehow understand and move on and maybe even learn something for future relationships. No I would tell him. The fact that you all share friends complicates things to an extent but she has to break up with him not with their friends and noone has to know the real reason why they broke up.
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"All I can see is what's in front of me. And all I can do is keep moving forward" - The Heir Wielder of Names, Seeker of Thrones, King of Swords, Breaker of Infinities, Wheel Smashing Lord
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Smithey
Promising
Supreme Hero
Yes im red, choke on it !!!
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posted April 06, 2011 01:08 AM |
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Quote:
No. This is what friends are for. No matter how bad the situation is for him through her telling him you can bet it's worse for her(assuming that she's a good person that is conflicted by the situation which she obviously is). He can tell her how he feels about her telling him but that should not change how he deals with the situation.
We're all human and we all make mistakes cheating is a part of relationships. Admittingly it is wrong and incredibly hurtful but as a close friend of the person you're the one that can tell him/her that that's f***ed up and that she needs to stop.
And well smithey you know her the best you'll have to find her reason and convince her that talking to him is the best solution. I'm sure you'll make it work. Oh and there is no shame in telling her how conflicted you are now that you've told her. Just make sure that you don't tell her in accusing way that'll only make her feel bad. Make her understand that you're there for her but if you're there for her she'll appreciate how you feel about her telling you even if you're mad.
Already done that, she knows i'm not judging her and that i'm there for her as well as that I think the whole situation sucks for everyone involved, I'm just not sure how to get her to do the right thing because It's her decision and I can't push her into it, I think she just needs more time to get there, and that she will eventually... ATM it just felt great taking it out of my system with actual people instead of wuth my split personalities
Thanks to all, great job
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